“I am the absolute best at not doing crimes,” President Trump declared. “Way better than any previous president—some of whom I’m not even sure were born in this country. But I am very American and very not guilty of absolutely everything. That’s what the investigation says.”
Trump then described how he did the investigation. He put the absolute best mind on it—his own—and then to make sure he was independent, he tried to forget he knew himself. He said that was very hard since he is “the most famous person in the entire world.” Trump then showed off the magnifying glass he used for the investigation as well as his “detective hat”—a deerstalker cap.