So, my car is fixed. I feared the worst with my car...in the end it cost me about $100 bucks. I bought the parts...the guy who did the work, Brian Rhodes, husband of my DC...would not take any money. I finally got him to take $20 for gas for several trips to auto parts store and my place to fix...and took him and his wife (my DC) out for lunch. Also a thanks to my neighbor, Amanda, who loaned me some ramps so that my car could be worked on.
There really are some good people in the world, and I am grateful. May I one day be so fortunate as to finally be able to be on the giving end of help!!
If I could turn back time, I’d turn it back to the day I went to the Coachlight Motel, just north of Mesilla, nestled in an interstate interchange area that sees a lot of travelers. I would go back to the moment I was in that motel room, with Jo and Jess, a black diamond ring in my pocket, ready to take on the biggest thing I had ever considered. It is in that moment that the entire world ended, the teacup shattered, the heart was broken. Because, as I was readying my nerves, she is on the phone, and I can only hear one side of the conversation. She is talking to someone named Steven. Some guy she met at a party, who already had kids of his own that I have no idea if he actually provided for them anything good in anyway. Steven Fucking Rivera.
And it is at that moment, that if I knew then, what I know now, about how events would unfold. The horror and trauma of domestic violence, assault, drug abuse, the absolute hell that he would put Jo and Jess through for so many years, I would know that I would do what needed to be done.
I would find some way to prepare him a “hot shot”, a syringe filled with so much heroin or fentanyl that it’d stop him cold. Let him drift off into the warm embrace of opiates one last time, a peaceful death, euthanasia, to prevent hell on Earth.
If I could turn back time, that is what I would do.
But we can’t turn back time, we have to live with the past as it happened, as our choices caused it to happen.
But if that had happened, then I would never have been lost and lonely, seeking out contact with a like-minded soul wherever it could be found, and I would never have been on whatever twitter thread that led me to meet Amber Stone, someone who anchors me, who stops me from spinning off the face of the earth. Someone who forged a connection through 2,000 miles and a social media app that had my back when I was turned away by every single other person that said they cared about me. She was the one person that was there.
And I will never let go of my Amber D. She saved me.
So now, I am at a crossroads, but as Yogi Berra once said, when you come to a fork in the road, take it. I don’t know what the end result is going to be. I have a family in Jo and Jessana, I was there throughout her pregnancy, taking her to every appointment. I was there the day she was born. I knew her before she was her. And I was there for the very earliest years, pivotal times in the development of a child’s psyche. There is research that says babies do remember their earliest experiences, that even in the womb, the sound of the mother’s voice, and her stress and attachment hormones, affect the development of the mind of the child. And it is because of that, and what I feel in my heart, that I can say without a shred of doubt that even tho Jess didn’t get her DNA from me, and she calls Steven “dad”, that I am a father to her in a way no one else is. And I would sooner face the fires of hell than not be there to protect, and support, and teach my daughter how to love life, and love learning, and understanding, and witness awe inspiring things.
So I walk this line, I figure it out, I thread the needle.