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SOTU- The Children Of Fears


      Preface: Some medication issues have cut me off from my best abilities at introspect. There is a saying that if you have a problem with other people, places or things... Then the problem is usually yours. So in an effort to get through some of the closed off pathways... I would find out what I had a problem with, then go back and pick myself apart. Oh, and needless to say it is just an Opinion piece with some rings of truth.

      The Children of Fears

      Castigated, chastised... reeling in anticipated consequences. The once great populace curdling into fetid chunks of mold. This is no more than an infantile reaction to various inputs..en masse...

      Trying to dig down into the bedrock of us these days is impossible. The constant accumulation of muck is too slippery to be caught up in the normal trappings of civilization. The compost too thick for the weakened and brow beaten agents of information to even attempt to lift or spread evenly. Captives of our own cultures and fears, being twisted and stretched at every image, at every sound bite. This is evident, obvious, and overt, and it is being ignored and buried in the hyperbole sections of beliefs.

      This addiction to more is as runamuck as the best drug addicts story. This make believe it's a functioning addiction has hit the rails hard. There is an opioid epidemic and the opioid here is angst, fears, and lies. Releasing the same drugs into the body as any addiction will do. There is little bedrock to be found when the land of the populace is so thick with excrement, with needless bullshit, with stirred up animosity toward just about anyone and anything. Watching and listening as puppeteers play with the marionettes that is us and being reminded about chasing symptoms by my doctor, who then helped heal me through going after the causes.

      Let's just get it out, everyone is wrong, nobody is right. The best you could do was get us here? I don't care which side or part you see yourself as being a part of, but you are wrong, I am wrong, they are wrong. We all screwed up! OK? Once we get that through our collective heads, then we can begin to look at the causes, the symptoms that are killing us. Time for a shunt for the heart, core workouts for the backbone, and some new librarians for the head spaces we think we know.

      Yet, we can't do that... Change and tolerance is just too hard of concept for us to understand until we are forced into it. Until we are made uncomfortable enough to actually do something about it. Keep 'em sitting down just barely... is working. Appeasing the wounds just enough so that they don't burst and attention to the causes are then too obvious. The manipulation is as bright as the Sun and the suntans have all turned to carcinoma. Yes, just children, not able to take care of our collective asses anymore and giving the responsibility over to the the first feel good we are presented. Might as well be chasing the van with the candy in it, hoping we can at least get our sugar fix one more time before we end up on the milk cartons.

      Our indignation has been normalized, the news cycles circus atmosphere just another day's nonsense. The mindlessness has lead to a numbing, the skin too charred from the burning anger and injustices to feel anymore. The mind is constantly digging the ruts of divisiveness and the foxholes of strife instead of the freedom that was promised, that was honored. The purple mountain majesty is just another place for bunkers, fences, and walls. No trespassing signs go up in the real world and are equally if not more so erected in the mental ones.

      The evidence that we can't cope well with many things psychological is written in every news story and personal post online. The critical thinking that should be widespread is paper thin and a blockage against deeper observations it seems. Sure, we know what we should do, we have been educated to right?... We have been educated to be a part of, a part of the economy, a part of the workforce, a part of this or of that. We were not educated to look at ourselves, our motives too deeply, or our burgeoning addictions to... more. We were educated to vote for those things and colors, those bells and whistles, the ideals we really think we have... Until it is uncomfortable, crunchy. Then we bail, change, believe something else for awhile. It's written up as being awoken, eyes opened, the truth... It's part of the mirror of affluence, the comforting windex that makes us feel like our images are cleaner. It's affluence, addiction to the emotional yin and yang that is being spun on a string like a yo-yo, making the illusion of it all seem like it is just the way it is supposed to be.

      A child told the U.N. that they are not mature enough to be responsible for the solutions to Climate Change. In the very same breath the children that is us come to reflect the same beliefs in our own leadership. The policies and practices of a different era and function is now the anchor that is pulling the entirety from that undiscovered future. It is manipulated and spun, undone and rebranded, re-tried and retired... We are educated to accept it as part of a grander plan, it's always worked out in the past, it is just a part of our growth as a nation... But it's not.

      Deep stuff, the kind that people turn away from because it is too hard to try to understand exactly what is being said. It is all of this deep stuff, the kinds that make heads tick and tock and viral videos to spread that we are being manipulated on by so many levels it is staggering in it's immensity. That is what we are educated to do, to react to output to the inputs on cue. That is what we do so often that it is normalized too. Reduced to a Roman colosseum of toga's with their arms outstretched and a thumbs up or thumbs down. Darwinian, distopic, and deserving, all wrong... and shrinking the rights left to use.

      The accumulative crash and crumpled systems were being watched, it's not like it is all new news. The generational beliefs were held hostage for so long that the world will not accept them any longer. They are part of world that is systematically disappearing in the unstoppable edict of change. Time itself had been challenged and it not only took our lunch money, it knows where we live. It laughed at the audacity of power and made us hold it's beer as it taught us, and teaches us again and again. You don't get to figure it out completely, get to hold it for any real matter of time. Power is that ability to see that what we have is just the next stone over the rushing river, the next rung either up or down to cling to... get going if you don't want to be sucked back down into that abiss that is the illusion of power that humanity toys with.

      When we know which deck of cards we are dealing with; When all of the jokers are presented and checked against their worth, we will again begin to grow. Until then adolescent children with a built in cannibalistic feed and feed off of, a parasitic existence that is not envied as much as witnessed. Entrapped by our own laws, our own checks and balances that are willfully ignored and the damage to true justice forever diminished. The damage to the collective of children who don't cope well... immense. We are smart enough to know better and affluent enough to believe it will just go away, but it never has and will always guide us... The children of fears.

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      I Am Back, Briefly, To Write Why I Have Been Gone.


          I have a torn left rotator cuff. It is extremely painful to do much with my left arm, especially anything that entails moving it right or left, lifting, moving it backwards, etc.

          Now that I am on Medicare, it is taking longer to get everything done. I am back on an HMO system, which means every one I go to, other than my primary care physician, must get preapproved.

          Unfortunately, almost 2 years ago, when I first felt the mild twinges of pain in my left shoulder, I had no idea I had actually torn my rotator cuff. According to my physical therapist, that's exactly what happens. You feel at bit of pain, which eventually gets worse over time. Two years ago, I had regular insurance and if I had been in severe pain, I could have picked up the phone and made an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon that worked on my husband's shoulder and put it back together.

          Unfortunately, when I was in the back yard, throwing the ball to my dog, I just felt a bit of pain, and could not throw the ball as far as I normally could. I thought it was something that would pass. Instead, it got worse. By the end of 2016, it was so bad that I was having problems putting on my coat without help from my husband, I could not carry my purse in my left hand, I could not open a door with my left arm. Something was seriously wrong. Unfortunately, I was going on Medicare the next month.

          I did pick a really good Internist, who is great at giving my the referrals I need. I went to see her in January of 2017. I told her what was going on and she suggested physical therapy as well as a steroid shot in the shoulder. I waited for the approvals. Went to the P.T., which helped a bit, but the shot is what helped with the pain more than anything else, or so I thought.

          The pain slowly started to get worse by early September. I was getting terrible headaches and my husband could not even touch my arm. It got so bad that it was affecting my sleep. Now, this is not good. I had a meningioma the size of a gold ball removed in 2009. One of the many side effects both before and after is that I still get seizures. What causes my seizures? Illness, lack of sleep, pain, stress of any kind. I started getting worried I was going to have a seizure over this. Like I needed more stress, right.

          I called my Internist for an appointment and told her what was going on. She said I might have a torn rotator cuff, but she would send me to the orthopedist for another shot in my shoulder again. It took me 6 weeks to get in. The shot gave me limited relief, in the sense that I did not have searing pain in my arm any longer the next day, but that was about it.

          I notified my Internist that the shot had not helped that much, and he had informed me if it had not, that I needed an MRI, because it was a torn rotator cuff. She informed me he also wanted me to go back to P.T., and that Medicare would REQUIRE it before they approved the MRI. So, back to P.T. I went.

          My physical therapist agreed that I had a torn rotator cuff, and there was nothing she could do for me. However, she told me she had played this game before with insurance companies. We would do the minimum amount of appointments, she would tell them I needed an MRI, and that would be that. She did give me a helpful tip though. She told me to put a small little pillow under my shoulder when I slept at night to keep it stable. Once I did that, this solved the problem I was having sleeping at night.

          I went to P.T. again and she sent her letter to my Internist. This takes us to mid January of this year. I then waited for the referral for the MRI. Got that and took it the end January. It showed what everyone knew. I have a torn rotator cuff, as well as fluid in the lower part of my should, and arthritis. No wonder it feels terrible! Now I asked for the referral to the surgeon to fix it.

          In the meantime, just writing this has caused me pain. Which is why I have not been on the site. I don't want to be reading all your posts and then not be able to write a response. It is just not me. Better to just be off. But, I will be back once I have my surgery. Promise.

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          How Being A Student Gun Control Activist Took Its Toll


              Cameron Kasky explains how getting involved in political debate (specifically gun control) allowed him to be manipulated by the media, leading to depression.

              Basically, becoming a "caricature" of himself for exploitation by the media.

              The activism that he and others threw themselves into in the days after the shooting was a way of dealing with the pain, he says, and the sense of helplessness.

              But the intense media spotlight also exacted a psychological toll.

              In the month after the attack, Florida governor Rick Scott signed a bill that placed stricter age restrictions on gun purchases and provided funding for mental health services in the state.

              On a federal level, the so called "bump stock" which enables a rifle to be fired more rapidly has been banned. But their other demands have been resisted.

              As the first anniversary of the Parkland massacre approaches, Cameron is, despite this, sanguine about the movement's achievements.


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                  Today, here in my neck of the woods, I am alone for awhile, sitting here with my lap top, listening to music, looking out the window and thinking about a variety of things that effect my life, many that effect other Americans, and some that effect every human on the planet.

                  It’s a ‘droop nootie’ day; grey, with drizzly rain, but mild temperatures (50 degrees) and I reflect on how lucky I am that I am not caught up in the mid-west’s cold, where people in double digits have died from that cold, and families are suffering; but it doesn’t change my mood of melancholia.

                  I miss my little brown fur baby who died last month, as she would have been curled up and sitting beside me right now, and there is that empty place where she used to be.

                  I despair at how little we are doing to impede the damages of climate change - the destruction of food from the ocean, the dearth of water, and how at least one corporation is using that to buy up water that should be for everyone; the damaging weather that will hurt my children and their children; our current government that is unwilling to even try to do something about it.

                  I reflect on how fortunate I am to be in a warm environment, with electricity, food in my cupboard and refrigerator, while so many are doing without. My appeals to my government, my support of agencies who try to help others, and even my life’s work, don’t seem to make enough of a dent, for there seem to be too many whose greed and lust for power keeps causing hurt and even death to so many.

                  I remember the naive beliefs I used to cherish when I was very young - that humankind would throw off racism, sexism, bigotries of all kinds by the time I was the age I am today, and I feel so disappointed that we seem to continually circle back into the same old miseries.

                  I think of how important it is to keep my energy up, remain optimistic, love what I have and not bewail what I don’t have; but this day I can’t seem to manage it, so I am allowing the grief, the feelings of despair- just for a while - even though I know that my fighting spirit - what my mother used to call my rebellious nature - will exert itself again soon. I wish for so much better for myself, my family, for all of us!

                  So for today, I am sharing my melancholy, my understanding of how small and human a speck that I and my energy represent in this vast universe that can be so wonderful at times for some of us, but so awful at times for so many.

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