Walk away again, I have done it before with other groups of people, this will just be an extension of that practice. Yes, I just want to walk away, ghost out and disappear, far away from those who hurt me once more. The part that I guess I missed in this life book and how to get through it, is learn how to be a friend, how to have them and what that means.
Life is awfully hollow a good deal of the time for me and I assume people like me. For as many times that folks don't think about others in their lives, there seems to be a few taking up the slack. Not a caring about what they are saying about us, not a love or obsession, just a note of thought, a prolonged thanks. I guess that makes me complicated, or messed up, or both, yet I am still feeling it, still missing it. As the youngest of nine I had a few friends and family around, they had seen my life and understood me well enough I guess. As life reached on and those friends went away or just ghosted out of my life, sometimes literally, the loneliness deepened. When I thought and was made to believe that I had made some new real friends, I was excited. When I found out that I had done nothing of the sort I was devastated. Good intentioned people, just not honest enough to tell me I wasn't a part of.
The honesty and real self that I shared was too much for them to accept I guess? Eventually, as always, it was somewhat used against me to point out that I was too different to be around them. I kind of get it, I kind of don't, mostly just depressed that nobody felt the urge to fix me, I wasn't worth it. Saved from one kind of torment and pain right back into that torment and pain that made me drink to begin with. The tears welled up in my eyes when I saw a "friend" get married and no mention of an invite at all, yet all my other "friends" were invited. I get it, I just go, I don't stay, I don't belong. This is not a pity party, just a realization that the pain I have been going through is so baseline that it hurts my sensibilities. How do you make friends? Real Friends? How do you know that you have a friend when people are really just friendly? How do you ask another "friend" when they were going to say something about the two year relationship she was having with someone else? How do you ask what kind of things people don't like about you when they are too busy practicing being "honest?"
Why should I bend over backward for people that dislike or distrust me enough not to allow me in their home? These are supposed to be people I know in an intimate manner, the life details and their ups and downs, and they cannot even tell me to go away? I get it, it's a hard thing to do, I don't get invited to things so I don't know? I don't speak to pretty much anyone, so I don't know? Then when asking, I am assumed stupid for not knowing something that I was apparently supposed to know....
I get it, kind of. I wish I didn't because the bliss of ignorance would be nice right about now; But I get it. I have a problem with my jaw, and its tendons are extremely tight and inflexible. I have exercises to do to help it and I am doing them. The doctor asked how much I talk and I said I talk a lot, then I thought about it and the word count plummeted. I don't speak 100 words on many days and just a little bit more than that on others. My mouth is just a feed tube really, and that is not working out too well either. The sooner I can stop it from making sounds altogether the better. I get it, I really do. But I don't get that other life, that one filled with real friends. Because apparently I just don't know how.
I am too connected to my emotions for men to make the connection and too alpha for women to see it too. A social anomaly searching for some comprehension, let alone understanding. Both sides turned off to the false adage that emotions mean irrational and not worth listening to, or worth fixing, or a part of.