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      Battle Royal In Bumfug (SATIRE ALERT)

      3 years ago

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      SATIRE ALERT (for those unable to recognize it)


      Battle Royal In Bumfug

      "Severed Arteries" Sets Weekend Box Office Record




      CUNNEFFCO NEWS SERVICE

      October 4, 2015


      BULLETIN: (Bumfug, Tx) A gunman armed with two assault rifles and an RPG opened fire at a crowded CineDark MultiPlex in Bumfug, Texas during a sneak preview of the new movie "Severed Arteries". Initial reports indicate that several armed patrons returned fire, creating confusion in the dark theater as to who the original shooter was. In the ensuing melee, numerous moviegoers were killed or wounded in the crossfire. One witness described the shootout as a "circular firing squad". Officials estimate that nearly a thousand rounds were fired before the shooting finally ceased.

      Sheriff Merle Vole announced the preliminary death toll at 55 with another 75 injured and 12 with accidentally self-inflicted gunshot wounds, mostly to their feet and thighs. The 20 shaken, unarmed survivors were taken to a nearby HomeTown Buffet for baby-back ribs and counseling.

      The gunman, a 19 year-old "loner" wearing a T-shirt that read "I Have Mommy Issues", whose incoherent manifesto written in crayon was found nearby, was reported to have shot himself after screaming "this movie sucks!". CineDark Theaters LLC has announced a full refund to the families of those killed and discount coupons for the wounded.

      "Severed Arteries" is rated PG-13.

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          Ray Cunneff
          3 years ago

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          I sent your post to a friend in a tactical unit in my area. His return note is worthy of mention:


          "Mr. Cunneff writes well and if you strip away the satire the reality remaining is starkly realistic. We have developed a model for response on our part in such a situation and practiced for it. Our response involves portable LOUD sound systems, super bright lights and tear gas with warnings that we will shoot to kill if a weapon is seen as a threat....no matter who may be carrying it, followed by a foot by foot clearing of the theater after positioning sharpshooters in the top rows to command the ground."

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              MurphtheSurf3
              3 years ago

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              Good satire requires a hard kernel of truth at its center. I spent a good deal of time considering the elements of that brief bit of satire in order to address a number of issues related to mass shootings. While it might seem like a throwaway, the shooter's T-shirt that read "I have mommy issues" speaks directly to the profile of a young male loner, someone "ordinary, invisible" in society, socially awkward and isolated, with a fiercely protective, enabling mother. The profiles of the Oregon shooter (whose name shall not be mentioned) and the Sandy Hook shooter (whose name shall also not be mentioned) are virtually identical apart from the discrepancy in age.

              The fictional film "Severed Arteries" is only a slight exaggeration of the glorified, desensitizing violence that is celebrated in movies and video games. Even the footnote that it's rated PG-13 is a comment in itself.

              But the most important comment in "Battle Royal In Bumfug" is what can happen when everyone is armed, the "circular firing squad". On another thread, I made a comment that attempted to put it in movie terms, the sharp contrast between "High Noon" and "Rio Bravo". John Wayne and Howard Hawks were offended by the premise of "High Noon", that the sheriff looked for support from the townspeople. "Rio Bravo" was the counter-statement, that amateurs would only get more people killed. Sheriff John Chance only wanted professionals.

              And that's at the heart of it. In these mass shooting situations, you want trained professionals. More armed civilians in a horrific situation are most likely to get themselves and others killed.

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              0
                  3 years ago

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                  Aurora, Colorado was that type of situation and many have said "if only the audience had been armed". I'm suggesting, and most law enforcement professionals would agree, that armed members of the audience might well have made a bad situation worse. Multiple shooters in a dark theater, who's who? Who's the bad guy, who are the good guys?

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                      Ray Cunneff
                      3 years ago

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                      I think my friend, and former student, would agree with your conclusion here. Thanks for the point by point breakdown on your narrative.

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                          Ray Cunneff
                          3 years ago

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                          Your hypothetical situation makes too much sense and so do the obvious conclusions, in the real world.

                          In the parallel world of the delusional this scenario would have a happy ending as God would make sure that his gift to mankind, the gun, would allow the faithful to defeat the Devil inspired shooter and walk out, unscathed, as heroes.

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                              Ray Cunneff
                              3 years ago

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                              With the recent killings in Oregon and the mass shootings in movie theaters, do I dare laugh or cry, I'm torn.

                              Hits the mark though. Well done.

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                                  Ray Cunneff
                                  3 years ago

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                                  Shame on those conceal carry holders that did not have night vision goggles! Gen 3s are pretty cool and work well in dark theaters! I can see the humor in it, a bit dark but thats ok.

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