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SATIRE ALERT (for those unable to recognize it)
Battle Royal In Bumfug
"Severed Arteries" Sets Weekend Box Office Record
CUNNEFFCO NEWS SERVICE
October 4, 2015
BULLETIN: (Bumfug, Tx) A gunman armed with two assault rifles and an RPG opened fire at a crowded CineDark MultiPlex in Bumfug, Texas during a sneak preview of the new movie "Severed Arteries". Initial reports indicate that several armed patrons returned fire, creating confusion in the dark theater as to who the original shooter was. In the ensuing melee, numerous moviegoers were killed or wounded in the crossfire. One witness described the shootout as a "circular firing squad". Officials estimate that nearly a thousand rounds were fired before the shooting finally ceased.
Sheriff Merle Vole announced the preliminary death toll at 55 with another 75 injured and 12 with accidentally self-inflicted gunshot wounds, mostly to their feet and thighs. The 20 shaken, unarmed survivors were taken to a nearby HomeTown Buffet for baby-back ribs and counseling.
The gunman, a 19 year-old "loner" wearing a T-shirt that read "I Have Mommy Issues", whose incoherent manifesto written in crayon was found nearby, was reported to have shot himself after screaming "this movie sucks!". CineDark Theaters LLC has announced a full refund to the families of those killed and discount coupons for the wounded.
"Severed Arteries" is rated PG-13.